Thursday April 24, 2008

I am struggling. I have never been unemployed and now after many years of doing the "right" thing I am unemployed. I am sad, mad, angry, frightened of the unknown and a whole lot of things that I didn't think would be my experience at this point in my life.

Cut off from the things I loved in my job by a set of circumstances that I still can't figure out for reasons that make no sense. It seems that having lived a life of "doing the right thing" has netted the worst results. I can't and don't pretend to understand why all this happened. But I do know that the traditional bullshit that gets dished out in these situations is just more food for anger. All the "one door closes and another opens", "there are reasons for everything", "god provides" and the rest of the euphemistic vinegar disguised as sweet pablum is just fueling my anger and resentment. Right now, my quick summary is "I hate America and its false promises" for many reasons....."I hate the people that did this to me and I hope that if there is any justice at all that absolutely horrible things befall them and their familes. Nothing is to heinous and no tragedy can be to great for those responsible for putting me in this predicament.

If I still believed in a god I would switch my alligence to his nemesis so that I could orchestrate the planning and eventual destruction of those responsible for putting me in this situation. Unfortunately with no god to answer prayers, it is hard to believe that there is any demon who could consult me in plotting my revenge.

What a waste this life is

Today Is My Wedding Anniversary

Celebrated my 36th wedding anniversary today. First anniversary in all the years we have been married that I haven't had a job. I can't help it. I do identify with my job. Is this unusual? I don't think so.

I also walked in the Juvenile Diabetes Walk in Tampa. I got a shirt for raising over $100.00. The walk was fun and I'm glad I did it.

Back to my wedding anniversary. I married a pretty okay woman. She has put up with me for all these years and that alone makes her special. I'm glad she is still with me.

Today Was A Little Tough

I awoke fairly early this morning not because I was refreshed, but rather because I just didn't sleep very well. I think I'm still in sort of a surreal state. In my mind I am still working for Sallie Mae. I'm trying to get past it, but I just don't feel that this was a good decision. However, good or not, like it or not, it was the decision and I guess I just need to learn to live with it. It's tough though

After Almost 3 Years I'm On The Road Again

Here I am at 57 years old unemployed again. I'm not sure what I feel about all of this but I do know that I don't want to be in a position to go through this again if I can avoid it. And so at this tender age when I would have otherwise perceived myself preparing for retirement, I am out looking for work and just hoping I can land a job that will pay the rent and keep me in benefits.

I haven't written in this BLOG for a while but I will be updating it regularly going forward because I think it is important that I keep tabs on my thoughts and emotions as I embark on this unwanted journey.

Today I got to speak with some friends....Jim Perrone, Laura Dickerson, and Gary Joyce. I need to call John Bumgarner in the morning. I got to speak with Barry Feierstein and Ken Olson yesterday. Got some closure there.